Trigger Warning! There is going to be talk of all kinds of abuse including sexual as a child. This is my way of sharing my story and hopefully help someone who has gone through similar things as I have. Please, please, please be cautious when reading this! I don’t plan on going into deep detail, but I do want to share this so that I can feel like I am finally being heard after over 20 years of hiding that this happened to me.

My story isn’t one that I enjoy sharing. But in order for me to heal I feel like I need to share it somewhere.

As little girl I was abused, mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually by my now ex-stepfather. Let me start at the beginning.

My biological father was not in the picture when I was a child. He, unfortunately, had a fight of his own with drugs. I do not hate him or resent him for this. When he got clean and sober he then started a relationship with me. It meant a lot to me to get to know my real father and not the drugged up one.

When I was just a few months old my mom met her future husband, I will not state his name here, but we will call him “M” or Monster. Because as a child that is what I viewed him as. We will call my mom Mom, and two of my sisters, Sis 1 and Sis 2. I do have three more sisters and I might discuss them later. But for right now this is the group that I need to speak about.

Anyway, when I was a baby, Mom and Monster met at the bar she worked at. They dated for many years and he hid his disgusting side very well. It wasn’t until later that we learned that he had been cheating on my Mom the entire time. When Mom finally said yes to marrying him, I was so happy because I thought I would finally get the Dad that I wanted. Boy was I wrong.

Mom was pregnant with Sis 1 when her and Monster got married. Then thirteen months after she was born, Sis 2 was welcomed into the family. I absolutely adore both of my sisters. As all siblings do we have had our issues, but at the end of the day we are there for each other.

A couple years after Mom and Monster got married (mind you this is just the first that I can remember, this could have been going on long before) Monster came into my room at night and started to touch me in ways that he shouldn’t have. I was only 9. He thought I was asleep, but when he realized that I was awake he told me not to tell or I would cause my sisters to not have their dad in the picture. This was horrible to me as a little girl as up to this point I hadn’t had my dad in my life. I knew how much that hurt. I also wasn’t entirely sure at the time what was happening to me.

He had me so scared I never said anything. This kept up until I hit puberty, so roughly three years. When I started to get my period he quit touching me, but he would smack my back side and say “this belongs to me” or such stuff. He would make comments about my bra size, or how I looked in certain clothes. A lot of the time when he made the comments on my clothes it would be about how I was overweight, or ugly, or stupid, or such things. Mind you I was 12 years old when this started! I was a child!

He had me feeling so disgusted by myself that I saw myself as a sort of swamp thing. Mind you, I have always been on the heavier side, but I am not ugly, or disgusting, or stupid. I am an attractive plus size woman who is proud of how I look and I know that I am intelligent. My honor roll record in high school and Dean’s list in College proves that!

He had me so convinced that I was worthless and that no one would love me that I just accepted that I would be alone forever. In all reality, he was just trying to make it so that I only could rely on him.

You may ask where my Mom was at during all of this. Well, he kept getting laid off, or losing his job over the course of their marriage that she would often work 2-3 jobs just to make ends meet. In retrospect, I think this was his way of having more access to us girls. At one point, he had lost his license (mind you this happened multiple times) due to drunk driving, and my mom would have to get up at 3 am and take him to work, then come home and get us girls ready for school, after she sent us off on the bus she would have to get ready for her job. She would take us to doctor’s appointments, school events, get us when we were sick, etc. Then, after she got off of work she would come home, get us off of the bus, feed us, and have to run and get Monster from work and come home and cook for all of us.

She didn’t leave us home alone. She had my Grandmother come and watch us while she did this.

When Monster got home, we had to remain silent. Either sit in the living room without moving, or hide in our rooms. If we did anything that set him off it was hell on earth. I remember there was a time when I was studying for a science test (science was not a strong subject for me) and Monster was mad because I was sitting at the kitchen table studying. Mind you, we were done eating, I had showered, and brushed my teeth. I just wanted to cram a little more studying in for the test. But apparently that was the wrong move.

He screamed at me that I shouldn’t worry about studying because I was too dumb to remember it anyway. Side note: I aced that test! When I showed my Mom and Monster that I aced the test Mom was proud, but Monster just said I must have cheated. I have never cheated at anything in my life.

Let’s jump forward a bit. Just a year. I was in my room in bed after school, and work. I was exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed. I didn’t even eat supper I was so tired. I was getting up early to be to school by 6 am for marching band practice, then going to school until 3:30pm, getting to work by 4-4:30, and working until roughly 10pm. Then I’d have to go home, shower and do homework. So I was lucky if I was able to get to bed before 1 am. I was only like 15 or 16. That is a lot for a child to have to deal with. Remember, I was still on the high honor roll for my school while all this was going on!

Anyway, Monster came into my room. Didn’t knock, just came in. And I said “Please leave, I am trying to sleep.” Instead, he turned my freaking light on and said he just wanted to see my room. I told him “No, I need to get to sleep, I have a big test tomorrow and work after school. I am beyond exhausted. Please leave.” After I said that he came to my bed and started to “tickle” me. What he was doing was feeling me up. Disgusting. So I slapped him, not hard, on the cheek. In return, he back handed me so hard I literally saw stars. It took days for the bruise to fade. That was when I discovered concealer.

My friends saw my swollen cheek and asked what happened, but I just told them that I fell of my horse and landed funny. It had happened before so they believed me. I had swimming class so I just told the teacher I was having really bad period cramps (I wasn’t even on my period) and she let me sit it out for the week.

This almost sounds like a movie. But, it was my real life. Day in and day out.

What makes it worse, was not only was I getting bullied and abused at home, but I was getting it at school too. I wasn’t raised in a family that had a lot of money, or influence. So, I was considered a “loser”. But, I just did my best to not let anyone see what I was really going through. I did have friends, and to this day only one has actually found out what I really went through.

When I look back now I have no idea how I did all of it. But I am very proud of how I managed to still become a decent person after all of the crap that I went through.

At one point Monster wanted me to pay rent. At 16. In the state that I live in, it is illegal for someone to charge someone under the age of 18 for rent, unless they are legally emancipated. He was trying to financially abuse me as well. Fortunately for me, my Mom stepped in and stopped that before it got started. I just wish I would have been able to tell her what he had done to me as a grade schooler.

When Mom found out that Monster was yet again cheating on her, she had had enough. She had dealt with his infidelity for seventeen years. She had stayed with him when he knocked up two women. She stayed with him when he slammed her arm in the fridge and broke her arm, through him waking her up drunk in the middle of the night to scream about how a rag was draped over the kitchen faucet. Or how she was worthless or some such bull.

Mom decided it was time to leave for good. I was in my senior year of high school, and I was so happy to not have to deal with his crap again. We ended up moving into my Grandparent’s old farm house. They didn’t live there anymore and it really helped my mom get back on her feet. Granted, they lived literally across the driveway. It was like we were coming out of hell and into heaven. For years afterward, we would have flash backs and panic attacks about what we went through.

Fast forward to today, my mom is getting ready to marry her new man and he is simply wonderful! They have known and liked each other for 40 years. He has welcomed us girls and our spouses and children as his own.

I have met the man of my dreams and we have been together almost eight years. I have a son and daughter and two dogs. I recently lost my job, but I enrolled in college again. So I am using this opportunity to better myself. I am seeing a therapist about all of my trauma.

I was diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD from my childhood. And just today, I made a decision to report Monster for all of the abuse he put me through. It’s been long enough that I am not sure if anything will come of it. But, I deserve to get justice for myself and any other children he harmed!

When I professional mental health therapist can’t understand why you aren’t in a psych ward, you know you have some trauma. But, one thing I always promised myself, is that I would NEVER let myself fall at the feet of my demons. Instead I stand up, look them in the eye, and fight back!

I may have had all these horrible things happen to me, but they don’t define me. What defines me is what kind of daughter, sister, mother, and partner I am. I work hard everyday to make sure my children know how loved they are. I show those I care about my love for them in many different ways. Whether it’s cooking a family meal, watching a movie, making funny art projects with them, or just a hug and an “I love you.”

I am proud of who I am today and I know that as long as I keep fighting to be better and do better, I will always be better than the Monster who tried to ruin me. He may have taken part of my innocence and self confidence, but I am fighting back and showing him he didn’t break me.

I am stronger and smarter than he could ever be.

I. AM. ME.

I am not a scared child, a depressed teenager or an angry twenty something. I am a thirty three year old mom with her whole life ahead of her! He is a miserable old man who is losing his second wife because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

So, who is the real winner in this life.

I will continue to post other stories from my life, but this the shortened version. I am sure that as I continue on this journey of fighting for my childhood I will have memories resurface and not all of them will be pleasant. But that is what I am starting this blog for. To tell my story and to write out my pains, tears, anger, and love.

The little girl who lost her childhood deserves to have her story told. And the woman I am today deserves to feel like the little girl she was, meant more than just as a punching bag or a disgusting man’s “fantasy”.

I am more than all of that. I am not going to say I am a survivor. But, I am a FIGHTER! I will fight for myself and others who have been through similar.

I’m not even sure anyone will be interested in this. But, if you feel like it means something to you, or you just want to talk please feel free to reach out.

Mind you, I am a full time student and mom. So, it might take a bit for me to reply. Just know that I will do my best to get back to anyone!